Trying to Move On

Little over a month ago, my best friend and I were reflecting back on our pasts and the people who did us wrong. Even after all these years they still have that affect on us. I even cried in front of my friend because it still hurts. I have moved on from it all, but what bothers me is that I never got to say what I needed to say and everything was left unfinished. That’s why I still reflect on these things. I wish life gave me the opportunity to let me confront these people and tell them how much they hurt me. I cannot simply “get over it.” I fell into depression and began burning myself in high school because of some of these people. So of course I still continue to wonder about what would happen if I saw these individuals, would I say or do anything? Well here’s what I have to say right now. (I am going to change some of the names of these people for discretion purposes).

Dear Sean,

You were technically my first love and my first boyfriend, and I truly did love you. Looking back now, we made a pretty cool team and those 7 months of being together had many great moments. But you changed. Towards the end of our relationship, you accused me of cheating because you decided to listen to a jealous ex over me. How could you? You never even gave me a chance to speak. That guy I was hanging out with sexually harassed me and tried to force me into things I did not want to do. I was so scared. You didn’t even listen to me. You did not believe me. Instead, you broke up with me just like that. You just tossed me on the side like I was garbage. What’s even worse, you started to harass and verbally attack me after the break up. I tried to make things work, but I realized it was a waste of time. You were a waste of time. You truly revealed to me what kind of sick, disgusting, piece of shit of a human you are. You called my house 50 times a day leaving cruel, racist, degrading voice messages for my entire family to hear. Do you know how humiliating and hurtful that was? To have my parents, my little sister for god’s sake, hear you say that I was a fat Chinese Asian (which was totally inaccurate so I don’t know why you would come up with that), and other cruel comments you made. And then you say to me that we can only get back together if I sucked your fucking dick. What’s really sick was that you enjoyed every moment you got to humiliate and degrade me. You thought it was funny and you laughed as I cried. How can someone be so terrible and deceitful? You were never nice, you were not the person I loved. You were just a person wearing a mask. I hope you know that you are a terrible person and I hope you live with that thought every day.

Dear Tom,

I told my friends at the time that it was true love. Really, I was so oblivious and ignorant that I could have stopped what was yet to come for me. Looking back now, I laugh at my 15 year old self thinking that it was love. All you saw in me was a body to touch. Not a human being with feelings or thoughts, just flesh for you to use whenever you liked. You want to know evil, this is the guy right here. Why would you use me like that? Why me? Why lie and trick me into falling for you when you were just trying to get inside me? Why? There were so many other girls like me who fell victim to you…..You waited for me till I got drunk and then when you were finished with me, you left me alone in the bathroom. You just left me there, in a stranger’s house, like I was nothing else to you. Just a piece of flesh on the floor. And you never came back. You never said sorry nor did you ever talk to me again that summer. I hated you so much. I could never move on from that very day. You forced me to do things that I did not want to do. You violated me and my body. Both my mind and my heart. You crushed my spirit. You were the cause of me falling into depression. I began burning myself to the point where I could not feel anything anymore. Then when the new school year began, you posted on social media about what happened that summer day for the whole world to see. You called me a whore, that I was a fat Asian (again, these white boys commenting on my race and appearance like its supposed to do something to me) who has no talent (I was in theater). That I was nothing. You even called yourself a god. You are not a god, you are not even a human. You are a monster. The scum of the earth and even today I still think of you as this. I lost all my friends and no one cared afterwards. I turned into nothing. But I was able to conquer my depression, and know my self worth. I know what I was and I wasn’t any of those things you called me. So fuck you. You are nothing. You are shit and every other disgusting thing that lives on this planet.

Dear Holly,

You know, you don’t deserve to have your name changed because all you do is run and hide anyways so I am calling you out right now. What the fuck happened? One minute I was your best friend then the next I was nothing. Not only did you do this to me once but twice. I mean who the hell does that? I felt you only used me when you needed something from me or to comfort you and tell you everything is okay. When we went off to college, you did not even try to keep in touch with me. I was doing everything. I worked around your schedule and waited around for you just to talk to me. Then you replaced me. Our last conversation we had, you did not even try to talk to me. You were annoyed and just wanted to leave. Even my roommate at the time thought you sounded like you wanted just to get this over and done with. You never tried to reach out to me. I did not because I was done being the only person trying to keep the friendship alive. Its like a relationship and when one person stops caring or trying, it becomes a one sided love, and then it all falls apart.You were a terrible friend. You easily threw me out of your life like I was only meant to be a disposable friend. I should have learned from the first time when you did this to me yet again in high school. What happened to your visions of me being at your wedding or becoming your life long friend? You are the only exception, but I am still angry. You left without saying anything because I knew you were afraid to confront me, whatever the problem was. You are a coward. All you do is run away from your problems instead of facing them. I wonder if your new friends will find out what kind of person you really are. You are not this great, amazing friend. You are cowardly, cruel, and betraying. You hurt me so much. You broke my heart and you left when I needed you the most. Why couldn’t you be there me?

Dear Brenda,

Another person who doesn’t deserve another name change because like Holly, is also a coward. Actually the biggest coward I have met in my life time. Oh, you are something else Brenda. You were never my friend. You only pretended to be. You used me in every way and you stabbed me in the back. Did you not think that I would not find out about you talking shit about me to my other friends? There are so many things I want to say to you because you never gave me the chance to. You avoided me like the plague, which I thought was pretty funny to watch. You couldn’t handle the truth. You couldn’t face the fact that you were wrong. You didn’t appreciate all the things I did or gave you. Like what the hell, you gave my gifts away to someone else because you didn’t like it. Seriously, I had no money but I still thought about you even when I couldn’t afford it. I hated everything that you did to me. You painted me as this cheating, scandalous person who is going to seduce every guy I meet. You took advantage of my kindness. You were rude to me, and not only did you betray me, but you betrayed and hurt everyone else in that apartment. Then you dragged me and everyone else on that shitty Great America trip, which by the way you ruined. You still acted like everyone was your friend, even though you hurt them as well. The worse part is, you were never truly sorry. You gave me that half ass, bullshit apology, and then you still tried to justify your actions. You were wrong.  There is so much that you did that I could write a series about it. I hope you know how much of a shit person you were or still are.

I apologize to my readers of the language written here, as you can tell there was a lot of anger writing this. Of course I am still hurt and writing this has helped me put down in words what I wanted to say. Well, this was only a glimpse of what I wanted to say to these people. There are more people who deserve to be on here, but there is just so many. I know in the future, I will be able to not think so much on the past to the point where it won’t hurt anymore. I will still continue to keep moving forward.


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