Last Sunday I returned from my vacation with Anthony. I thought I would be okay, being back at home and just having something to do, like reading my books or being with my cat. But it was like I came back to nothing.
My mom is still grieving over our dog that died a few weeks ago and that brings the atmosphere of the house down. I really miss Anthony a lot as well. I thought I would be fine since I am always away from him, but this time it made me feel empty. Like there is this void within my chest. Its heavy and I can’t feel anything. I am not sad nor happy, just empty. I tried to ignore it by trying to keep myself busy, but once I ran out of things to do, the void is still there waiting for me to fall back in it.
And it has succeeded…
Now I am just down. I don’t really want to do anything, but lay in bed. I sometimes believe that I am cursed. That sometimes life was not meant for me. I see people who are happy and have tasted freedom. And here I am in this bottomless pit, laying alone in the dark. Sometimes I want to cry because I feel helpless and I can’t get out. I am always going to be sucked back into the void, the never ending feeling of nothingness.