For the past two months have been an ongoing battle with depression. Every day, my mind is at war with itself and it is so tiring to try and live. To be alive. I want to stop trying, I want to stop fighting and just let go. But I know giving up is not allowed. Right now I cannot hold myself up which is why a handful of friends have been taking turns carrying me on my journey to recovery when I start to stumble.
Its been a month since I started taking anti depressants. I don’t feel any different, but I noticed my activity level is starting to get better. I actively want to do things now, but I am still struggling to actually pick up that book or paint brush. My mood has been fluctuating everyday, from happiness to nothingness. Most times I still feel nothing or not myself. I feel detached from everyone around me. I can’t feel anything which is a scary thing to me. I miss feeling happiness, love, excitement, etc and I get a taste of these things once in awhile, but they quickly slip through my fingers.
However, through all this bleakness, I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Fall quarter is coming to an end and I am about to finish one of the hardest quarters I have endured in my college career. I have amazing friends who love me and are here to support me through it all. I have my significant other carrying me on his back, trying to hold the world off my shoulders during these dark times. He helped save me. Everyday he always made sure that I was okay, that I was still fighting to stay alive.
Everyday is still an ongoing battle, but it is going to be a slow recovery. I am still here. I will keep fighting.