You Can’t Save Everyone

In the past, I always had a negative experience in regards to mental health care and seeking out therapists. Of course, my high school counselor was shit and the one therapist I saw my freshman year in college belittled me and said my thoughts on suicide were just fantasies.

I haven’t been to therapy for years until recently. I had a wonderful therapist who genuinely cared about me and listened to me. She didn’t make me feel like shit or disregard my feelings. She recommended me to go see a psychiatrist to get me started on antidepressants. And I trusted her judgement.

My therapist ended up leaving my campus by the end of Fall quarter, so I have been stuck seeing my psychiatrist every week. It was fine seeing her for the first few months and it seemed like she really wanted to help me. But until recently, I haven’t been getting any better even in the increase in medication. I was depressed and also had two panic attacks this week. I explained to her what happened this past week, how my grandpa from the Philippines had visited me for the first time ever and how these plans were just dropped on me at the last minute.

Because my weekend was packed, I had no time to do homework which led me to forget that a paper was due on Monday which I didn’t do until that very morning. This triggered my panic attack. After explaining this to my psychiatrist she said:

“Well that isn’t a psychiatric issue. You made the choice to leave and it shows you do not care about your education. You should just move back home so you can go to your parents whenever they need you to do their beckoning. I would have panicked too if I was in your situation. You need to learn how to be an adult.”

I was shocked that she said any of this. She isn’t even a licensed therapist. She then asked if my suicide thoughts were occurring again and I said yes. She proceeded to saying:

“I think you need to be hospitalized tonight. Oh don’t take it as a bad thing but I don’t think your safe at home and I think you will be safer being around doctors and nurses 24/7. You will be escorted by the police as well.”

At this point it was hard to process what she was saying because I was never at risk. For weeks, I would think about suicide, but I never had an incident where I acted on it. She knew this. But she was frustrated that I was not improving fast enough and became lazy so she just wants to throw me in the hospital. And how was my situation not a psychiatric issue? I had multiple panic attacks. That is not normal. I even ran out of class because it got so bad that I couldn’t even breathe and she knew I have a history of this. Not everyone has a full on attack.

Finally she said:

“I don’t know how I can help you anymore.”

She was saying I was a hopeless case. That she wants to give up on me. I trusted her with this information and she betrayed me. She then proceeded to putting my case as “high risk.”

This has been the worst experience going into psychiatry. Someone who is supposed to support and help me takes my trust and shoves it up my ass. So now I have to be careful what I say around her because after her whole speech that last 30 minutes I retaliated saying I do not regret giving up my weekend for my grandpa and I do care about my education. And I don’t go to my parents’ every beckoning. She then said the way I was responding was because I was sleep deprived and being impulsive. She said she will talk to me again when I “get some sleep.”

After this experience, I never want to go back into therapy or seek out mental health care. Every time I open myself up, I am instantly stabbed in the back. This woman does not care about her patients, but about how much money she can make. She is forced to be there. She was unprofessional and abusing her power in a situation that was not a danger to me or others. She made me feel threatened and wanted to take my rights away instantly.

Maybe I am a hopeless case…

Maybe I can’t be saved…

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