Why do you hate me…

My mother is an emotional abuser. She always has been since I could remember. She is manipulative and enjoys telling lies in order to get what she wants. Whenever my dad would beat the crap out of me, she would stand behind him smiling as I cried.

This is no mother.

My mother is a selfish, cruel, and jealous woman. She had a shit lot in life, but when she saw that I was going to have a better future, she tried to snuff out the light in me whenever she could. She made it clear she did not want me to be happy unless she was the one who would benefit. She never went to college, she failed high school, got knocked up at 21, and hasn’t worked in almost 20 years…

She refuses to provide for her children. She even told us to “fuck off.”

My mother told my dad she only married him because he was white and had an income. Her sole purpose was to freeload off of him. What kind of person is that?

Whenever she could not get her way, she would threaten us with suicide or put herself in the hospital. It is always like this when you point out she made a mistake or she is the one to blame. It couldn’t be her fault. She has never admitted that she was wrong, which is all the time, or that she was sorry. She never apologized to me once. For the fat shaming, not coming to my play in high school, trying to slap me in the face, always threatening me, telling me I am going to get knocked up soon and tell your entire family about it, and just the emotional abuse you inflict on me everyday.

She even told me that I hated her because I was jealous of her looks. I am perfectly content with my body and obviously you pointing out how I look and how much I weigh is a reflection of your own insecurities. You blame me for everything and how miserable your life is. You even threw your only son out of the house and made the whole issue about you.

I hate it when you tell my friends the made up stories about me and how I should be more like them, which they were out sleeping around, doing drugs, stealing etc. You don’t know how they are. I never was apart of my friends’ after school activities, but you cannot say that they are the angel children and I was the devil child. You even thought I was always going to be the devil.

Why did you have this image of me in your head even now?

What have I ever done to you that was so cruel for you to hate me?

You do not respect me or my boundaries. You know I have depression, anxiety, and panic attacks but you persist on attacking me. You almost sent me to the hospital the other day. Why can’t you leave me alone when I tell you too? You just barge into my room and scream at me for nothing. You are pushing me over the edge.

Why do you hate me so much….

I did everything for you. Whenever you needed me, I was there. Everyday during finals week, I called you to make sure you were okay or when you needed to talk. I sacrificed my time and effort to make you happy, but when you no longer need my help, you throw me out like garbage.

When my boyfriend stayed over at our house to keep you company after the incident and how you asked him to stay that long, you treated him like shit when you didn’t need him anymore. You claim he didn’t respect your privacy even when he left you alone for most of the time he was there. You blamed me for him staying that long at the house even when I told you to take him home after one day of being there. He was nice to you and made time for you to talk for hours. Now you told him he is not allowed in the house anymore and you never want to see his face again. You know how sad you made him feel? How much time he wasted on you? You talk about privacy but you can never respect mine or his.

She refuses to help do her part and spend all my dad’s money on shit she doesn’t need. She is hoarder and she is putting all her excess crap into my closet. My room is not your storage space. Whenever I have money, she tries to take it away from me. She asks for new clothes or to go out to eat and all this other shit, and when I tell her no she tries to guilt me. “You never do anything for your mother.”

What pisses me off the most is when she told my brother that she regrets having him and telling him he is not her son. That she wished he was never born. And she has told him this every time they argued about something.

My mother has said over and over again that she has a sad life. But she refuses to do anything about it. She has no friends or real family. She doesn’t leave the house or even take care of our animals anymore. She just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. She claims her job being at the house is harder than working out in the real world. Okay, sitting on your fat ass all day is so exhausting.

Right now, we haven’t spoken in almost two weeks and we are in the same space together. She hides in her room all day until I leave or close my room. She is a coward.

I am done with my mother. I am completely cutting her out of my life. She is just another person living in this house. I am done helping her. I gave her so many chances over the years and I am tired of getting shit on each time. I cannot trust her and she has zero respect for me.

I know you don’t love me. You even told me so. You don’t have to remind me everyday. I know you hate me. I know you are waiting to see me fail and be as miserable as you. You have neglected me all my life. I don’t think I can ever truly love you and I will never respect you. You do not deserve it. You do not deserve me.

Why try to win over her affections when she regrets me being in existence? How could you love someone who loathes you?

I am done.

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